I was born disruptive. I often say it as a joke. And I say it to be disruptive by saying it :-). Last two weeks I understood it is not a joke at all....it is what I am meant to do. Or at least I am doing it. I cannot not do it.. Or can I? To be honest I am a bit confused about it at the moment. I am truly struggling with staying my authentic me in all the systems I am part of. And if you start thinking about it: we are all part of so many systems! My family of origin system, my own 'patchwork' family, my different work systems, my friends, the village I live in, our political system, my Dutch cultural system, our global system, my god! If you think about it, the only thing you can do to remain sane is to at least stay authentic, so that you can remember at least one, most important, system: your own. For me it is the only thing I know how to do, so the staying authentic part, for me, is not so difficult. The really hard part is to relate that authentic part to all those systems I am in without being too disruptive, too innovative, too far out of comfort zones (including my own). And next to the effectiveness part of me in those systems, there is a very personal part. Last two weeks I often felt damn alone in most of the systems I am part of. So now, at 46, I finally understand why people conform to the (often non-effective, stupid in my eyes) systems we invented ourselves....they don't want to feel alone.
So here I am with my dilemma: shall I withdraw myself from all (or most) of the systems I am part of, go sit on a mountain top and nicely go and be my lovely authentic self, all by myself... Or am I meant to be authentic and disruptive in these systems to show them and people in it (that often feel the same urge to be more of themselves) to be their best authentic versions that will transform those systems to 'things', 'cells', 'circles', that fit better to the nature of mankind: to be a free spirit. Or even better: perhaps we don't need system thinking anymore at all?
Yesterday I played cards with the 4-year old stepdaughter of my brother. From the beginning we broke all the rules: cards open at the table, cheated openly, created our own rules while playing the game, we both enjoyed ourselves to the max, we had so much fun!! For a moment I felt very free in our little bubble at the table where the rest of my family were having serious conversations about serious topics with a nice wine on a sunday afternoon. What if we could all bring a bit more of our 4-year old playfulness and lightness in all our systems, would that help both the free spirits and the systems?
My 'essence' was red this week in a 'dance scan' (I am so very lucky to have these kind of beautiful experiences). The special, talented man that danced my dance, told me that I tend to be quite disruptive, innovative, ahead, playful, even naughty, but always with a lot of respect to other people. At the end he suddenly asked me a question: you need to be seen for all you are, otherwise it feels like you don't live your own life; are you being seen and asked enough here? And that gave me the insight I needed to give words to my feelings and prepare myself for the next phase: to promise myself to remain the free spirit I am in whatever system, because that is what I am meant to do.