Circles and cycles

'What if time wouldn't exist?', my bonus daughter asked me randomly while driving her to the hockey field. 'What do you think the world would look like?'. 'Everything would be different', I said after a few minutes of silence, 'really everything; time is something we artificially invented'. The question resonated so much with me. Why? I know why, because lately I have been in quite a struggle with our crazy way of living....again. Cause that is a recurring thing in my life: about every 10 years it pops up. The feeling that the way we live crashes with my own inner system. Resistance. That inner system is longing for space, longing for moving along with the seasons, being able to go with the flow, living in the now, living love. But no, instead it is working like a madman (yes man, since that is quite a masculine energy ;-)) to be a super bonusmom, the ideal partner, the loving daughter(in law)/sister, the wise and fun friend and oh yeah...'work': working damn hard to fully live its purpose in the right way in the right place. Exhausting isn't it? 

In nature there is nothing that plans far ahead in such a lovely lineair way that we do. Imagine a lion planning a kill like we plan our christmas dinner two months in advance: 'where shall we plan to kill, what animal and who shall we invite to join this year?'. Nature is neither that demanding for itself nor for its surroundings, doesn't want more all the time and isn't unhappy. In nature everything just is. And nature is about cycles: seasons come and go, animals migrate following food, dark and light is a natural cycle, tides are a natural cycle. Life is about cycles. 

It was national holiday in Oman last month. Our taxi driver asked us if we were there especially for the occasion. No, but being a total firework fan, we would certainly not miss the opportunity to join. In our hotel I saw the question mark on the face of the receptionist: 'you want to go into the mountains tonight to this village to see the firework? But no tourist does'... Ah, even more reason to do it. So after a two dollar meal in a lovely local place with one dish on the menu, we went to a park where everybody would gather. And everybody did. Families with grandma's, kids, uncles, cooler boxes, chairs: all were sitting on the grass in the park. All sizes and colours of mostly muslims. We were the only white people. For two hours we sat somewhere in the middle of all these family circles without talking. I just felt love. Sometimes a little child came up to us to have a good look at these weirdo's, some women smiled at us, some men nodded at Patrick. We just were, pure love, part of the circle.  

Living in circles comes more natural with me than living in cycles. I love connecting to people, being part of communities. Living up to cycles, even my own, I find a lot harder. Yet every time I dare to listen and act on it, it turns out really well. So shouldn't I learn from that? When I was 27 my system resisted and I traveled New Zealand for two months: it was awesome and had huge impact. The first two weeks I sat on the veranda of my B&B, reading books (just because I felt like it). Everyday some other guest (attending the Avatar workshop there) would come and sit with me and tell their life story. The seed of my work in transformation was obviously planted. When I was 37 I took a sabbatical leave of 11 months, rented out my apartment in Amsterdam and traveled Europe and Africa, working in nature, following the seasons. Ski instructor in Austria, ranger in South Africa. Lots of space, nature, air, outdoors, fresh ideas. It was life changing and seeds were planted that are still blooming. Now I am 47...


Australia keeps popping up in my system. It makes me nervous. I don't live alone anymore: I have a husband and two kids. Ok, the kids are not mine and only halftime there, but I do feel and like having some responsibility as an educator, caretaker and friend. And I need space. My inner system is quite clear: are you gonna try and try harder to fit in all the boxes you always wanted to stay out of? Or are you gonna create the space you need to let come what is meant to emerge? It scares the hell out of me. I sometimes really don't understand what universe wants from me. That is bull shit by the way, that is resistance. I know very well that I am in exactly the right place, with the right husband, the right job, the right everything. The inner struggle is purely about accepting the next cycle and living by it. Am I able to let go and trust what will be, just like a tree, a season or an elephant does. Accept that is what is and follow my instincts. 

One of my fathers in law (I have/had two, lucky me :-)) passed away 7 weeks ago. He was 86, still in the middle of life, wrote a book last year and was an inspiring role model in lots of things: selfcare was one of them. This year he told me, at our dining table, that I should have a lot more 'shit on everything' (strange translation ;-): in Dutch he said: 'je moet veel meer schijt hebben aan alles'). I was very amused by the advise, coming from this distinguished old (-er, he hated being considered old) gentleman. But next to Australia (and spending a month at Texel in spring next year), this remark keeps popping up in my system as well. Apparently that is what I need to accept my own natural 10-year cycle and step into the next adventure that is calling me. By now, I should fully trust that I can let go and everything will be exactly perfect the way it will be...Just like all natural circles and cycles.